Today is the 10th anniversary of Washington Redskins owner Jack Kent Cooke’s death and where else might we find “The Squire” than RFK Stadium. A little disoriented from his decade away, Cooke was staring at the four trophies in the case en route to the old owner’s box.
“By God, how bloody fantastic. They’ve won a championship since I’ve been gone,” Cooke said.
Mr. Cooke — those are soccer trophies. You know, the D.C. United.
“My good man, what are you babbling about? Last thing I remember the stands were shaking, we were beating the Cowboys and Marlena and I were the toast of The Palm.”
Well, a lot has happened since then Mr. Cooke. The team doesn’t play here anymore, though they’re talking about coming back and building a new stadium.
“What? I was building a new stadium in 1996. You know how hard I worked for that magnificent structure? Had to deal with bloody idiots — especially that woman mayor who called me the ‘Billionaire Bully.’ Actually, I liked that. Only smart thing Sharon Pratt Kelly ever said. Listen, get Marlena off the car hood and let’s take a spin out to Raljon.”
Landover.
“I renamed it Raljon for my boys Ralph and John.”
And they renamed it Landover.
“Well, at least the stadium is named after me.”
About that, Mr. Cooke. The Big Jack is now FedEx Field and they took down your picture.
“How much did they get for the name?”
About $200 million plus free overnight deliveries. The Big Jack beer is gone, too. I have one on my shelf if you need a snort.
“You know I drink only fine wine, my boy.”
Then you’ll like your son John’s new venture — Boxwood Winery.
“He makes wine in a box? By God — what’s gotten into Johnnycakes? Better have Joe talk to him about retirement.”
Uh, Mr. Cooke. Joe came back to coach the team three years ago.
“Uh? Uh is not a word. Let me tell you some things about the English language. I started out selling encyclopedias door to door, you know.”
Big deal, there were only nine letters back then. How heavy could they be?
“You’re a bloody idiot. So how is the team doing with Joe? Bet they’re winning.”
Well, kinda. They had one good year, but went 5-11 last season.”
“By God, Joe needs to park those race cars and spend more time at work. Don’t they pay him enough?”
Six million bucks a year. The new owner Dan Snyder can afford it with 90,000 fans.
“I knew that new stadium was a winner. That Snyder must be a genius. Only person named Snyder I know who has a brain in his head.”
Thanks, Mr. Cooke. Before you go, I have one question everyone always asks. Whatever happened to Coco?
“Turns out some dogs go to heaven. Had lunch with him the other day along with Mo Siegel.”
Any parting words, Mr. Cooke?
“I miss the best bloody fans in sports.”
Rick Snider has covered local sports since 1978. Contact him at [email protected].
