Welcome to this week’s edition of “Hump Day Pop Quiz,” a quick exam to see how closely you have been following the local and national sports scene. Remember there are no stupid questions — just stupid answers.
1. Koby Clemens, son of human pincushion Roger, was arrested and jailed after a police were called to an altercation in the parking lot of Mac and Bob’s restaurant in Salem, Va. Which statement from younger Clemens regarding the fracas is true?
A) “Did you not hear me? He took the last piece of lemon meringue.”
B) “After I got decked with the bottle of King Syrup, I misremember what exactly happened.”
C) “I thought it would be cool — if only for one night — to share a cell with my old man.”
D) “They kept needling me about the Shenandoah Valley being named after my mom’s chest. Not cool.”
2. The new and improved Atlantic Coast Conference opened the football season with a bang, going 7-4 with no wins against a team from a major conference. Which league is ranked higher than the ACC?
A) The League of Women Voters
B) Pure Prairie League (Minus Vince Gill)
C) The Wednesday Night Darts League at Shuffle’s Saloon
D) 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
3. A week after becoming the much ballyhooed 50 Millionth Fan in Camden Yards’ history, University of Baltimore law student Kevin Gracie had yet to receive his prizes as of Monday night. The reason the Orioles haven’t paid up:
A) Ed McMahon will not return any of the public relations department’s phone calls.
B) Like the team does most of its games, the prizes were lost.
C) Gracie is holding out for a special prize: A spot in the rotation and former Oriole Jerry Harriston’s toupee.
D) The organization still is trying to figure out how an actual Orioles fan still exists.
4. The Arizona Cardinals named Kurt Warner, 37, the starting quarterback over former first round pick Matt Leinart. What other surprising information did the team share during the press conference?
A) The retractable dome roof atop University of Phoenix Stadium is suspended by former Cardinal Dan Dierdorf’s hot air.
B) For 20 years now, the organization has been using desert mirages to make it look like the seats are filled with fans.
C) The Cardinals have been sharing their blueprint for sustaining success with the Ravens for the past couple of years.
D) The Cardinals rejected an invitation to join the Sun Belt Conference.
5. ESPN recently asked readers to vote on the greatest Colts player of all time. The top two recipients were Peyton Manning (58.8 percent) and Johnny Unitas (37.3). What explains Manning defeating Unitas?
A) Fans of Double Stuff Oreos, a product endorsed by Manning, wanted to be heard and banded together in the name of chocolate and twice the creamy filling.
B) Former Colt great Art Donovan wanted to vote, but hadn’t heard of “these computer things.”
C) Manning swung the vote by writing “Vote For Manning” on billboard-sized forehead.
D) Comparing Manning and Unitas is like saying Pearl Jam stole their sound from the Spin Doctors.
6. The Tampa Tribune reported the University of South Florida hired Terrelle Woody — friend of former Maryland basketball recruit who got away, Gus Gilchrist — as the team’s video and conditioning assistant. Part of Woody’s duties involve him making sure televisions in the coaches’ offices are connected to DirecTV. Maryland should explore posting which of the following jobs to get better players?
A) Hydro-hygiene Liaison: Duties include turning the showers on and off for the players after practices and games.
B) Escape Artist: Duties include helping student-athletes flee the scene of potentially damning party/bar fights and then painting a pretty picture of the incident for police.
C) Game Stop Correspondent: Duties include frequent trips to the local video game retailer to buy the latest games the kids play in an effort to distract them from the evils of school work.
D) Tweed Jacket Sweat Tech: Duties include making sure no one slips on the way to the scorer’s table in the puddle of sweat that used to be coach Gary Williams.
Tony Giro writes about the NFL, Major League Baseball and college sports. He can be reached at [email protected].
