Swooshing in to help

Dear Coach Kelly,

Apparently, you have a pretty big game coming up: The BS — er, BCS — Championship against undefeated Auburn. We’d like to wish you good luck, coach. We here at Just Do It Inc. are behind you all the way, and it’s not just because your campus is located 107 miles from ours or because of that awesome “Return of the Quack” video.

No, our support for you runs deeper than simple affection. Our co-founder — and your No. 1 fan — is the most popular backer of a Division I football team this side of T. Boone Pickens. Heck, we even tossed around the idea of a rebrand — the Swoosh University Knights — but Uncle Phil nixed that idea. After all, he’s a Duck, and ducks fly together. (Emilio Estevez taught us that.)

We’ve accomplished a lot here at EKIN — from helping average Joes discover their inner athlete to giving MJ the ability to fly. And you’ve done great things as well — finding Donald Duck part-time work in a tough economy and inventing the “Flying V.” It’s time to go the extra mile, and since you’ve been our favorite client, we think it’s only fair to provide you with our latest uniform creation when you take the field in Glendale.

Our engineers have been hard at work on a secret weapon, something other companies and teams have attempted but we have perfected for you: a camouflage uniform — or “camoform” as the boys in the advertising department like to call it — that cloaks the wearer in a shroud of invisibility that makes Harry Potter’s blanket look like a neon billboard. Additionally, we’ll be pairing with the creators of “Call of Duty: Black Ops” to provide your players with special heat-signature goggles as their bowl gift. (The Auburn players are getting iPods.)

The Tigers won’t know what hit them because they won’t see you. Is this fair? No. But it also isn’t fair when you and yours are mercilessly gunned down by water-based hunters in duck blinds. Consider this a turning of the tables.

Best of luck

[email protected]