For the upcoming Republican National Convention, the biggest pests aren’t just the area Democrats, it’s the area’s pigeons, too.
The city of St. Paul, Minn., is suffering from soiled sidewalks and blemished buildings thanks to those winged rats, and local officials are taking precautions to blunt the feathered vandals.
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“We are currently baitingthe pigeons with an automatic feeder,” Bill Stephenson, an animal control supervisor for the city, told Yeas & Nays. (But we thought Republicans just doled out tax breaks to keep everyone quiet and docile?)
“It dispenses about half a pound of cracked corn to condition the pigeons to take the bait at a certain time,” Stephenson said. “After we get around six to 12 pigeons coming to the feeder, we will mix an oral contraceptive in with the corn. We plan on doing this for the next six to nine months until winter sets in and the birds begin to disappear.” Pro-contraceptive Republicans?
According to Bob Kessler, the city’s head of Safety and Inspections, the contraceptive can reduce the number of pigeons by 75 to 80 percent in one year, but, naturally, every government program is meant to be exploited and this one is no exception.
“I have been observing the feeders, and it is attracting non-target birds,” Stephenson said, referring to what, in Republican human terms, would be called “welfare queens.”
In true Republican, pro-”interrogation technique” fashion, the city has also resorted to shock treatment to send a message to the pigeons that they are unwelcome.
“St. Paul is known for its skyways,” Kessler said. “There are 39 city blocks connected by second-story-level skyways where pigeons would roost and discard their droppings. We are retrofitting the I-beams on the skyways to enclose them, leaving the pigeons nowhere to nest. We are also lining the skyways with shock strips and plastic spikes to keep them off.
“We are actually in the process of repainting some of the stained skyways before the convention.”
Think this will cause controversy with local animal rights groups? Think again.
“PETA gave a presentation on the importance of this operation, and the Humane Society of the United States is also on board with our plan,” Stephenson said. “As far as we know, there is no opposition.”
Sure, but just wait until you see the stink and mess caused by John McCain’s detractors in the Republican base.
