I promised never to do it. I ridiculed those who did. And yet, there I was with Dallas, Washington, Pittsburgh and New York Giants fans picking my fantasy football team.
My fantasy team would normally include Christie Brinkley, but instead I’m deciding between Matt Schaub and Kurt Warner, cursing when someone beat me to Peyton Manning, cursing more when someone beat me to Marion Barber and laughing at the idiot who took a kicker in the third round.
Somebody, please help me.
I hate fantasy sports players. They worry more over their fantasy team than their real team. They brag about it endlessly like new grandparents with a wallet full of photos. They act so superior when one of their players does well.
Did I mention I have Randy Moss?
Perhaps the most telling moment of the 15-round, 10 person draft was nobody took Washington quarterback Jason Campbell. There were five die-hard Redskins fans in the room and nobody chose him even as a backup.
Chris Cooley went in the fourth round and Santana Moss in the sixth. One of the die-hards took the Redskins defense in the 14th round and another also picked Antwaan Randle El late. Needing a backup kicker with my 15th pick, I took Shaun Suisham. The final selection of the draft was Ladell Betts.
I always thought picking a fantasy team would be easy, but somehow I assembled a mix of whatever. Like a rookie stripped of his chips at the poker table. My running game is suspect. My passing game is uncertain. I’m either winning the league or finishing last.
Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was my first pick (seventh overall). I’m real iffy on this one, but maybe he can return to earlier form. A die-hard Steelers fan took Manning with the previous pick instead of the passer for his favorite team. How weird was that? I later took Houston’s Schaub as the backup. The former Virginia quarterback might have a decent year.
My running backs are Ryan Grant (Green Bay), Michael Turner (Atlanta), Deuce McAllister (New Orleans) and Warrick Dunn (Tampa Bay). Something tells me the Packers will need to run more when Aaron Rogers melts down. Turner has tons of potential after seeing him beat Maryland one night in Northern Illinois.
Marques Colston (New Orleans), Donald Driver (Green Bay) and Moss are my receivers. OK, I know your first snarky comment will be never take a player coming off a record year because they can only do worse. Agreed, but 20 touchdowns is still possible.
Vernon Davis (San Francisco) and Robert Royal (Buffalo) are my tight ends. I’ve always thought Davis would be great after seeing his first practice at Maryland in 2003.
Stephen Gostkowski (New England) and Suisham are my kickers. You figure Gostkowski scores a lot of points.
Finally, I went with New England and Carolina for team defense/special teams. Not great picks, I admit.
In coming weeks, I’ll scan the box scores, care about games I normally wouldn’t notice. By some chance if doing well, I’ll become obsessed, maybe make a trade.
Please, somebody, anybody help me.
Rick Snider has covered local sports since 1978. Contact him at [email protected].
