Here’s our prediction and it has nothing to do with the games: By the end of this weekend, your couch will have a permanent indentation; your thumb will be sore from switching channels; your stomach will be bloated from all the greasy food; your eyes will be damaged from watching so much TV; and your spouse will be thrilled you had so much fun (OK, that’s wishful thinking).
You’ll also be darned happy, having watched football for two solid days. What better way to close out a year? Here’s a step-by-step viewing itinerary for your weekend sure to land you in the dog house … but it’ll be worth it.
Saturday
» Noon: College GameDay, ESPN. Men and ladies watch for the same reason: Kirk Herbstreit. What’s the saying? Ladies want to be with him; men want to be him. Is a little man-crush so bad? Actually, this is one of the best shows on TV and the perfect way to start any Saturday. Lee Corso is entertaining, but he’s slipping on his picks. Maybe they can have Desmond Howard on so he can preview a game that doesn’t exist (actually happened when he previewed Cal vs. Texas earlier this year.) Food pairing: Sub sandwich.
» 1 p.m.: Meineke Car Care Bowl in Charlotte, N.C., Navy vs. Boston College, ESPN. Quick, name two players on either team. So is there a reason to watch? We’ll give you one: HD, as in high definition. We’ll watch anything in HD. Also, Navy’s offense is kind of cool. Food pairing: Charlotte means barbecue. So get some pulled pork and a side of wings. Keep the Tums nearby.
» 4 p.m.: Alamo Bowl in San Antonio, Iowa vs. Texas, ESPN. Yet another massacre waiting to happen in San Antonio. Iowa is just not good enough. What we want to know is this: Is there a more Texas-sounding QB name than Colt McCoy? Just wait till you see his brother, Pony Boy. Food pairing: Has to be nachos (If you’re wondering about adult beverages and which one would work best with what food, here’s one word to consider: any).
» 8 p.m.: Chick-fil-A Bowl in Atlanta, Virginia Tech vs. Georgia, ESPN. Had enough yet? We haven’t. Even if we have to watch overrated programs such as Georgia. A little Southern pride will be on the line in this one. (If the game gets out of hand, Ali-Frazier III is on ESPN Classic. We’ve seen it, but we won’t tell you who wins). Food pairing: How ‘bout a nice bowl of fruit? Didn’t think so. It’s the south so either more barbecue or fried chicken. We’ll take the latter.
» 8 p.m.: New York Giants at Washington, NFL Network; FOX. We interrupt this interesting/fun day of broadcasting with this game pitting the 5-10 Redskins against the 7-8 Giants, losers of six of seven. Can it get any better than this? There will be a buzz in the air for this one. Alas, it will stem from four hours of tailgating. Not sure if you should watch this or the Tech game? There’s a reason TiVo and DVRs were invented. How do you live without it? Answer: You don’t. Food pairing: Pepto Bismol. Not only for all the food you’ve eaten to this point, but for the game you’re about to watch.
Sunday
» 1 a.m.: College Football Final, ESPN. Just in case you missed anything Saturday, this is your final stop. You can hear Mark May explain why a game he picked to be lopsided one way was actually a rout by the other team. Food pairing: You’re still hungry? Finish off the wings that have been sitting on the table all day.
» 11 a.m.: NFL Countdown, ESPN. Hey, can you really argue with two hours of a pregame show? We can’t and, besides, it’s the one time we can watch Chris Berman and enjoy it.
» Noon: NFL Pregame show, FOX. Just imagine how Terry Bradshaw would sound on New Year’s morning, after, you know, a bit of celebrating the previous night. Good thing we like Jimmy Johnson.
» Noon: NFL Today, CBS. Ex-Redskins GM Charley Casserly usually has good insider nuggets from around the league. And they’ll try to figure out the NFL playoff scenario. Good luck with that.
» 1 p.m.: Pittsburgh at Cincinnati, CBS. Steelers ruined the Bengals’ season last year by knocking out Carson Palmer. Now they can ruin the Jailbirds’ season by eliminating any chance for the playoffs. One word gives the Bengals hope for the future: parole. Food pairing: chili. If you need to ask, you’re helpless.
» 4 p.m.: Atlanta at Philadelphia, FOX. Turns out Jim Mora is the real coach killer. How do you like the University of Washington job now, big fella? For those saying Michael Vick doesn’t need to become a better passer to win consider this: He’s rushed for more than 1,000 yards and they’ve won seven games. Hmmm. Food pairing: Come on … Philly cheesesteak, plus some Drakes Cakes. Again, if you have to ask …
» 7:30 p.m.: MPC Computers Bowl in Boise, Idaho, Nevada vs. Miami, ESPN. Why are you watching this game? No, seriously. OK, wouldn’t it be cool to see Miami lose to Nevada? Let’s see, we have guys from sunny Miami playing in cold Idaho on a blue field against a team they’ve probably never thought about on New Year’s Eve. Why, yes, we think they’ll be ready to play. Still, there’s something cool about watching a game on this night. Or maybe that’s the champagne talking. Food pairing: Potatoes (we’ll take French fries). One sidenote: The best shows on this day are on ESPN Classic, with the Texas vs. USC Rose Bowl from last January, preceded by George Mason’s regional final win.
You’re welcome.
