Four bimbos
Philadelphia (1-0) at Dallas (1-0), Monday night, 8:30: If you’re Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson tells you to win a game, don’t you pretty much have to go Malcolm X — by any means necessary — to get it done?
San Diego (0-1) at Denver (1-0), 4:15: Denver quarterback Jay Cutler looking to shread Chargers’ defense like Shawne Merriman’s knee. Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall promises to be sober — at least during the game.
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New England (1-0) at Jets (0-1), 4:15: The Jets’ home opener is brimming with story lines. Divisional rivalry; Eric Mangini vs. The Hoody; Brett vs. Brady — my bad. Belichick will have bootleg DVDs for sale of Brett Favre in the shower immediately following the game.
Pittsburgh (1-0) at Cleveland (0-1), 8:15: The Browns looked like the team we all know and hate as the Cowboys torched them like Michael Jackson shooting a Pepsi commercial. As usual, I have nothing positive to say about the Steelers.
Three bimbos
Buffalo (1-0) at Jacksonville (0-1), 1: Who is more dangerous: Roscoe Parrish on a punt return or former Buffalo tailback O.J. Simpson on Interstate 405? They both run like hell.
Indianapolis (0-1) at Minnesota (0-1), 1: Peyton Manning generally throws at receivers’ hands. Tarvaris Jackson loves to throw at their feet.
Chicago (1-0) at Carolina (1-0), 1: The Panthers could be a serious contender when Steve Smith returns from suspension and beats opposing secondaries like he beats his teammates.
Baltimore (1-0) at Houston (0-1), Monday, 8:30: Matt Schaub’s Week 1 performance stunk like burning hair while the “Wacko for Flacco” era officially began in Baltimore. But with Mario Williams and the Texans’ tough defensive line licking its chops, the Ravens’ offensive line has a margin for error slimmer than Bum Phillips’ old, game day Wranglers.
Two bimbos
Tennessee (0-1) at Cincinnati (0-1), 1: Vince Young, out 2-4 weeks with a knee injury/hurt feelings, won’t be able to pad his stats this Sunday, but he may be looking for a padded room if he keeps up the crazy. By the way, the Bengals are terrible.
Green Bay (1-0) at Detroit (0-1), 1: If the broadcast crew says one damn thing about Favre after Aaron Rodgers makes a great play, I’ll be in the market for a new TV because mine will be on the floor, smashed like Pat Summerall if I hear this nonsense again.
Miami (0-1) at Arizona (1-0), 4:15: Chad Pennington played well in his debut for the Dolphins, but the aged one — Kurt Warner — played better. Warner’s AARP rookie card is the hottest thing on the streets of Glendale.
Atlanta (1-0) at Tampa Bay (0-1), 4:05: After the Michael Vick-less Falcons took a bite out of Detroit, Michael turner and rookie quarterback Matt Ryan will look to dog the Bucs on the road. Vick still is making 12 cents an hour washing pots in prison.
One bimbo
Oakland (0-1) at Kansas City (0-1), 1: From the “Is it Time to Consider Contraction Department” comes this sure-to-set-football-back-a-century barn burner. Chiefs chief Herm Edwards should tinker with his famous quote, changing it from “you play to win the game,” to “you play to win a game.”
N.Y. Giants (0-1) at St. Louis (0-1), 1: After watching the Rams’ offense, it is safe to say punter Donnie Jones will get so much work this season he’ll develop the strength to kick a ball over the Gateway Arch.
San Francisco (0-1) at Seattle (0-1), 4:05: If you enjoy professional football, do not watch this game. In fact, Bimbo may fling feces at the TV if forced to watch this one. On a side note: it’s being reported that the Seahawks’ famed 12th man has been discovered in Mike Holmgren’s lush mustache.
New Orleans (1-0) at Washington (0-1), 1: Skins coach Jim Zorn mismanaged the clock so poorly in his head coaching debut, he made Joe Gibbs look like a Rolex. I give him until Week 6 before he’s called into Principal Snyder’s office.
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