A couple of weeks ago, having plumbed the depths of our own ideas, we asked readers to suggest how Bob Dole might close the yawning gender gap that threatens to swallow his campaign for president. The flood of responses to our Let’s Close That Gap! contest, we’re happy to report, has far exceeded our expectations.
Marguerite Snow of Stockton, Calif., says the Dole campaign should stress fear in its pitch to women: “Show aged heart-attack victims being turned away from emergency rooms because Medicare is broke. Give us cancer victims being told they can’t have their pain medicine because the trust fund can no long cover prescriptions. Wind up with a funeral with grieving friends.” Jerome Reppa of Munster, Ind., recommends Dole take the opposite tack and promise every full-time mother in America a $10,000 tax credit for each child she raises.
Attracting female voters, says Karl Lofquist of Bethesda, Md., “all depends upon Dole’s close resemblance to Humphrey Bogart.” Lofquist suggests a television spot that opens this way: “A morose Dole sits brooding over a shot glass of milk. He grumbles, ‘Play it, Sam.’ A reluctant Sam then breaks into ‘God Bless America.’ The door opens and in walks a beautiful Miss Liberty. . . . Cut. It’s a natural.” And indeed it is. Memo to Mark Helprin.
Laura Fletcher Donoho of Fairfax, Va., a self-described “Bob fan,” says Dole’s advisers should simply let “Bob be Bob.” Which is not surprising advice coming from Mrs. Donoho, who boasts she never met a Bob she didn’t like: “My father’s a Bob, my brother’s a Bob, my husband’s a Bob, my sister married a Bob, I have two cousins named Bob, I work for a Bob. I even had a Bobcat when I was a kid.” Hail Bob.
While all the entries were worthy, the prize goes to Mary Lane of Washington, D.C., who says Dole should take the empathy route to appeal to female voters. For starters, says Ms. Lane, Dole “must shave his legs and wear pantyhose so he can identify with the daily inconveniences and rituals of the American female.” Next, “he must buy bags of Baked Lays and remark on how great it is that they only have 550 calories for the whole bag.” Finally, she adds, Bob Dole “must ask the American people if he looks fat.” Fine suggestions all, and we urge the Dole camp to take note. Unfortunately, Mary Lane may have to forfeit the prize we originally promised, an opportunity to be the new Mary Matalin. As it happens, the present Mary Matalin has not yet agreed to cooperate. We’ll keep you posted.
