Hillary Clinton’s $275,000 speaking fee was too expensive for the University of Missouri at Kansas City, so it settled for a Clinton downgrade. They asked Chelsea to make an appearance for the bargain price of just $65,000, and she agreed to do it. Because, you know, as hard as she tries, she just can’t make herself care about money the way her parents do.
Chelsea was previously paid more than $600,000 per year at NBC. She did important work there, such as her famous interview of the Geico Gecko for Brian Williams. It is therefore perfectly understandable that she commands a speaking fee greater than that of Tina Brown or feminist icon Gloria Steinem.
For $65,000, Chelsea spoke for all of ten minutes, followed by a 20-minute question-and-answer session. She then spent 30 minutes posing for pictures with “VIPs.” That means it cost the university $1,083 per minute for an hour with Chelsea Clinton.
But if $65,000 is too expensive for your college, university, trade group or hobby club — and you really want to throw some money away — why not hire this speaker at a fraction of the cost?
For those who like to get the most for their money, here’s an itemized menu of what you can get if you hire me instead:
• Bargain basement price of $200 per minute (limit of three-hour event)
• $10 per person for a handshake (light grip but not limp)
• $15 per person for a photo with me*
• $20 per person for a handshake and a photo
• $25 per person for a photo in which I appear enthusiastic
• $30 per person for a hug**
• $5 per person for a minute of light conversation
• $10 per person for a minute of light, enthusiastic conversation
• $15 and speaker will call your mom on your cell phone
• $25 per person for a lengthy, deep conversation with your mom in which I tell her we’re best friends***
• $10 per person for an autographed photo
• $15 per person for an autographed photo with message, plus a dollar per character in message
• $2,000 for a private dinner with the speaker (no more than 5 VIPs in attendance)
*Must ask for consent prior to touching the speaker. Payment must be provided prior to service.
**Hugs may last no more than 3 seconds. Hands must be placed on speaker’s upper back. Please obtain my prior consent as you provide payment.
***Deep personal conversations are to last no longer than 5 minutes.
My only requirement is a comfortable chair offstage for pre- and post-event time (does not need to be in a private room). Mike and Ikes (original flavor) and cans of (cold) diet Pepsi must also be provided.
The way I see it, it has to be a better deal than this university got.
