Tuesday Morning Quarterback: The Teams That May Treat Us to the Super Bowl

In professional team sports, most years most teams simply are not able to win it all—they lack the talent, chemistry, coaching, and/or momentum. The teams that might be able to hoist a trophy are another matter. In baseball and basketball there are so many games that the effects of luck tend to wash out; talent and effort almost always rise to the top. The smaller number of games in football means there are instances in which a team may falter through bad luck or exceed expectations aided by good luck. With that caveat, let’s assess who in the 2017 NFL is able to win it all—and who is willing to pay the price.

Teams that simply have no chance to win the Super Bowl this season, not just owing to their present records but to a lack of overall talent, lack of a franchise quarterback, poor coaching, low morale, or all these issues:

Arizona; Baltimore (when you can win a nationally televised game 40-0 and still seem bad, you’ve got issues, including the last-ranked passing attack in a passing league); Chicago; Cincinnati (needed a late fluke play to sneak past the Colts at home); City of Tampa (the Buccaneers can throw the ball but it seems actually true that their defensive line is not as good as Ohio State’s); Cleveland; Detroit (always fades outdoors in the postseason anyway); Indianapolis (the words “What the Heck Happened?” should be imprinted, in Latin of course, on the city’s seal); LA/B (already, at Halloween, at the juncture of needing to run the table); Jersey/A; Jersey/B (the Jets have potential to implode down the stretch); Miami (the head coach denouncing his own players in public is what detectives call “a clue”); Oakland (this team needed Colin Kaepernick a lot more than it needed Marshawn Lynch); Santa Clara; Tennessee (when will the Flaming Thumbtacks stop being boring?); and Washington (injuries and Chainsaw Dan Snyder are a toxic mix).

On to the first important category, teams that are able to win but unlikely to trot out for the Super Bowl:

BUFFALO. The new management suite of head coach Sean McDermott and general manager Brandon Beane has done a fabulous job of cutting the team’s losses on the many player personnel blunders by Doug Whaley and the buffoonish Rex Ryan. Next the Bills need a firm commitment regarding their quarterback. They lead the league in turnover plus-minus (17 takeaways to coughing up the ball just three times), which is terrific, but turnover luck has a way of vanishing.

CAROLINA. This team still doesn’t seem to have gotten over its 2016 Super Bowl hangover, and as talented as Cam Newton is, it relies on him too much for hero-ball style play.

DALLAS. The Boys are paying more attention to federal courts and to their owner’s P.R. than to the field. “Clear eyes full hearts can’t lose” was the Dillon Panthers. The Dallas Cowboys aren’t clear about anything right now, and Donald Trump-style, every day Jerry Jones makes his own image worse.

DENVER: Quarterback Trevor Siemian has a wonderful backstory but is not the answer. John Elway can’t seem to face this. With Siemian at football’s most important position, the Broncos are not dangerous.

GREEN BAY: Without Aaron Rodgers, the Packers would need to tear up years of game plans and do a midseason makeover. Maybe this is happening during their bye week. TMQ doubts it.

LA/A. The Rams’ arrow points up, but …

JACKSONVILLE. The Jaguars’ defense is to 2017 what the Broncos’ defense was to 2015. But Jax is inconsistent, seeming to take entire games off. There’s no sign this team is willing to pay the price of going all-out on every snap of every game, and now the Jaguars have Marcell Dareus to set a negative example of high pay for low effort.

Now the most important category: teams that can hoist the Lombardi, if they are willing to pay the price.

ATLANTA. The Falcons have been reeling since the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, and just struggled mightily to overcome the Jets. But don’t count them out—if they pay the price. In this case the price is total honesty with themselves, on the part of the coaches as well as the players, that their problems are of their own making.

KANSAS CITY. The Chiefs have power, finesse, and balance. But they are on a 0-5 postseason run at home and a 1-10 postseason run overall. During the 1990s, a Kansas City team loaded with stars—Marcus Allen, Joe Montana, Andre Rison, Will Shields, Derrick Thomas—was 102-58 in the regular season then 3-7 in the playoffs. Assuming Kansas City reaches this season’s playoffs, the price they must pay is overcoming the pressure of the “here we go again” feeling about yet another postseason wheeze-out.

MINNESOTA. Is it possible to reach the Super Bowl with a third-string quarterback? The Vikings’ defense is stout. The price this team must pay is Mike Zimmer renouncing his hyperconservative, retreating style.

NEW ENGLAND. I’d like to say the Patriots cannot win it all yet again. Millions of NFL followers would like to say that. But under Bill Belichick, this team always pays the price: discipline, effort, no one ever takes a down off.

NEW ORLEANS. Tuesday Morning Quarterback has been a Drew Brees fan since the first NFL scout scoffed at him, at Purdue, as too short. The Saints have spent several seasons trying to be the Texas Tech of the NFL—allowing opponents to score quickly, so they can get the ball back and pad stats. If New Orleans has really made the commitment to tenacious defense—and is willing to pay the price in terms of sacrificing offensive stats—there’s potential here.

PITTSBURGH. Hey, didn’t you used to be the Pittsburgh Steelers’ defense? Wait a minute, the Steelers’ defense is back! Last year the Steelers faltered midseason, recovered, then had a collective mental letdown—players outplayed and Mike Tomlin seriously outcoached—at New England in the AFC title contest. The price Pittsburgh must pay now is focus, focus, focus.

SEATTLE. The Seahawks home field in Seattle is like being spotted a lead in the standings. If they win the NFC’s first or second seed—an achievable objective—they will be hard to keep out of the Super Bowl. The price they must pay is vainglorious defenders like Richard Sherman no longer viewing themselves as 10,000 times better than the team’s offense.

And TMQ’s two most intriguing NFL teams of the moment:

HOUSTON. Sure, the Texans are 3-4, but they just put up 38 points at Seattle, the hardest place in the league to score. Sure they have a wealthy idiot for an owner. But Deshaun Watson is already is a star. The quarterback-seeking teams that passed on Watson in the draft—Buffalo, Chicago, Cleveland, Jersey/B, Kansas City, and Santa Clara—may have made a mistake at the level that will enter sports lore. The price the Texans must pay is for the defense to accept that J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus are lost, and they must get stops on their own, no excuses.

PHILADELPHIA. The Eagles have talent, mojo, the willingness to go for two in a super-conservative league—scoring to take a 15-0 lead Sunday, Doug Pederson called a deuce play—plus a top coaching mind in defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz. The downsides are that Jason Peters and Jordan Hicks, both top performers, are out for the season, and Philadelphia’s lone loss came to the best team it has faced so far, Kansas City. In the second half of the season the Nesharim have a relatively soft schedule, suggesting a good chance of grabbing their first home playoff date since Michael Vick. The price Philadelphia must pay is avoiding overconfidence: a great record from beating second-echelon teams may seem more than it is.

During the preseason this column singled out for praise two gents behind center: Deshaun Watson and Carson Wentz. I shall now double down and predict they will meet in the Super Bowl.

Stats of the Week #1. New England and Seattle both won at home. Since the start of the 2013 season, the Patriots are 37-6 at home, and the Seahawks are 34-6.

Stats of the Week #2. The NFL has staged 21 contests in London, and not a one has pitted two teams that both had winning records at kickoff. Combined score of this season’s London games: Victors 130, Vanquished 23.

Stats of the Week #3. In the fourth quarter of Ohio State’s comeback victory over Penn State, Buckeye quarterback J. T. Barrett completed all 13 of his pass attempts.

Stats of the Week #4. As a head coach, Hue Jackson has lost 27 of his last 29 games.

Stats of the Week #5. Since taking the field at New England for the 2015 AFC title game—the contest that caused what TMQ calls the PSIcheated scandal—Indianapolis is 18-23.

Stats of the Week #6. Since the start of the 2016 season, Miami is 0-2 versus Baltimore, and 14-8 versus all other teams. In the two losses to Baltimore, the Dolphins have been outscored 78-6.

Stats of the Week #7. Since the start of the 2016 season, Oakland has followed a 12-3 stretch with a 3-7 stretch.

Stats of the Week #8. Since opening 0-2, New Orleans is 5-0.

Stats of the Week #9. Since the start of the 2016 season, Alex Smith has thrown just nine interceptions.

Stats of the Week #10. Since the start of the 2016 season, Tom Brady has thrown just seven interceptions.

Sweet Blocking of the Week. Defensive coordinators like to say “we’ll stop the run with numbers,” which means that if the defense brings its safeties close to the line of scrimmage, there’s a risk of a deep pass, but no chance the offense can run. But if the defense tries to stop the run with numbers, and the offensive line gets good push, look out.

Tevin Coleman’s 52-yard fourth quarter run, the decisive snap in the comeback at Jersey/B that perhaps saved the Falcons’ season, came from a power set with the Jets having nine men in the box to stop the run. Once Coleman got into the secondary, no one was home. Jordan Howard’s 50-yard second half run for Chicago, which made the Bears-Saints ending interesting, came with eight in the box for New Orleans. LeSean McCoy’s 48-yard fourth quarter run, sealing the deal versus Oakland, came with nine Raiders choked up near the line of scrimmage to “stop the run with numbers.” All these sweet plays involved good blocking: If the safeties are low and are blocked, smooth sailing awaits.

In the headliner Texans at Seahawks contest, offensive linemen Nick Martin and Jeff Allen threw fabulous pull blocks on the 72-yard hitch screen to DeAndre Hopkins that gave the visitors their late lead. The oft-maligned Seattle offensive line replied with perfect pass blocking during the home team’s frantic comeback, thrice in the endgame affording Russell Wilson “5T” protection: thousand-one, thousand-two, thousand-three, thousand-four, thousand-five. Wilson also got 5T protection on his 52-yard completion to backup Tanner McEvoy, especially impressive because Houston was running an all-out “house” blitz. When you block a big blitz, good things happen downfield.

Sour Tactics of the Week. LA/B arrived at Gillette Stadium on a 1-6 stretch versus the Flying Elvii, and not having won in Massachusetts since 2005. Perhaps aggressive tactics might change the Chargers’ luck, but instead LA/B punted on 4th-and-1 and on 4th-and-2. Reaching another 4th-and-1 at the New England 33, head coach Anthony Lynn again seemed disturbingly like Norv Turner, sending in the placekicker rather than trying to sustain the drive. The football gods, disgusted, pushed the kick aside. By contrast, when New England reached 4th-and-1 on the Bolts’ 36, Bill Belichick went for it. Now LA/B is on a 1-7 stretch versus the Flying Elvii.

Sweet ‘n’ Sour Play of the Week. “Looking into the backfield” occurs when, rather than guard his man, a corner or safety watches the quarterback, attempting to guess where the ball will go. High school and college defenders must learn not to look into the backfield, because you may not notice your man roaring past. Tired defensive backs look into the backfield hoping to see that it’s a run the other way, so they can just stand there.

Houston at Seattle scoreless, the Texans motioned a tight end back toward the formation; the speed receiver on that side, Will Fuller, went deep; the corner on that side, Shaquill Griffin, was looking into the backfield and did not notice Fuller blow past, where he was open for a 59-yard touchdown catch. Griffin is a rookie. In college, a big guy in motion back toward the formation almost always means run, so Griffin likely assumed rush. That was sweet for Houston, sour for Seattle.

A short time later, Deshaun Watson locked in on DeAndre Hopkins, his favorite target. Safety Earl Thomas, also looking into the backfield, saw Watson start his throwing motion and jumped the route, resulting in a 78-yard pick-six. Thomas, a polished veteran, usually doesn’t make the mistake of looking into the backfield, but in this case properly read the Texans’ cues. Sweet for Seattle, sour for Houston.

On the game’s deciding snap, the touchdown pass to Jimmy Graham with 18 seconds remaining, Houston botched its coverage so badly there’s no way of knowing where defenders were looking. The Texans led 38-34, meaning Seattle absolutely had to reach the end zone. So keep everything in front of you! Instead three Houston defenders let Graham run past uncovered, staying in short zones as if they thought the Blue Men Group would throw check-downs for field goal position. Pre-snap, Houston’s defense was winded and confused. The Texans had two time outs. Coach Bill O’Brien should have called one. That blunder is on him.

Who Paid for the Manila Folder? Your columnist feels 99 percent of what a citizen needs to know can be gleaned from reading the newspaper plus quality magazines. That is, rarely are there veiled explanations of events, known only to a special few. Government has a legitimate interest in keeping some items of information classified: names of covert agents, locations of strategic submarines. But the list of legitimate secrets should be short. Nearly all of what people need to know is in the newspaper and in serious magazines.

The “real” motives behind events, the “hidden” truths—in most cases they are obvious, and it is the obvious that is powerful. For instance the world wars began not for hidden, secret reasons but because of forces known to anyone who had picked up a newspaper or attended a university lecture. Ninety-nine percent of the backstory for great achievements such as the Civil Rights Act, or great blunders such as the nomination of Donald Trump, are not hush-hush, rather exactly what anyone who follows current events knew at the time. The notion that history can be explained only via “secrets” makes government insiders feel more important, and can help sell books. But if you want to know what’s going on, pick up any good newspaper, or THE WEEKLY STANDARD or The Atlantic. Ninety-nine percent of what you need is right out in the open.

I mention this with respect to the release of Kennedy assassination files concurrent with the Steele Dossier (which sounds much more dramatic than the Steele Memo or the Steele Manila Folder). Practically everything important about the awful murder of JFK has been known for half a century. (I recommend Case Closed by Gerald Posner—of course, that’s what the conspiracy ordered me to recommend.) Even if there were some Russian or Cuban involvement in JFK’s death, what would be achieved by knowing that now? Beyond war that would kill huge numbers of the innocent.

As for the Steele Manila Folder, what’s inside may be phony. But supposing some contents are authentic, what could there be that was not already known to the 62 million Americans who pulled the lever for Trump? His lack of qualifications, his narcissism, his smirking disdain for the institutions of our democracy—everybody knew! Ninety-nine percent of the time, the things that everybody knows are more disturbing than secrets.

Christopher Steele, the former MI6 agent who set-up Orbis Business Intelligence and compiled a dossier on Donald Trump, in London where he spoke to the media for the first time. (Photo by Victoria Jones/PA Images via Getty Images)

Why the Bills Were Lucky to Get Hardly Anything for Marcell Dareus. Andrew Beaton of the Wall Street Journal reports that the Texans unloading failed quarterbacks is a rare example of proper understanding, as regards sports, of the sunk-cost fallacy. Sunk costs can never come back; the economically logical response is to say “oh well” and move on. But, Beaton notes, NFL teams tend to continue playing gents who got big bonuses, or were first-round draft selections, regardless of whether undrafted who-dats are better, because team management wants to postpone admitting error.

Another rare example of facing sunk costs came with the weekend trade of Marcell Dareus, third selection of the 2011 NFL draft, to Jacksonville for a cold beer and a bag of peanuts, the peanuts being a sixth-round choice in the 2018 draft. TMQ was amazed any team would give anything for this spoiled, out-of-shape whiner, since a trade entails acquiring his contract, which has about $15 million in guarantees the Jaguars now assume. In effect what the Bills received for Dareus was salary cap space plus a late draft choice tossed in as a gratuity. In last spring’s Brock Osweiler trade, the Texans gave a net of a third-round draft pick to the Browns in return for about $40 million in salary cap space, as Cleveland had to assume Osweiler’s contractual guarantees. That market-making trade set a price of a third round choice for the chance to spend $40 million. Buffalo now obtains the chance to spend $15 million and gets a draft choice, albeit a minor one, rather than having to give up a draft choice.

Two years ago, former Buffalo general manager Doug Whaley gave Dareus a dazzling contract extension with $60 million in guarantees. Dareus hasn’t played a good game since, on the rare occasions that he feels moved to grace others with his presence. Whaley’s decision was among the dumbest in sports management annals. The Jacksonville defense, tied for first against points on the day of the trade, already is potent: if Dareus can be motivated not to act like a baby, and that’s a big If, Jax may have an even better front seven, at the cost of only a late selection.

So the deal may ultimately work out for Jacksonville. For Buffalo, simply having a trade partner, any partner, gets rid of the contract problem: Had Dareus been put on waivers, Buffalo would have been stuck with salary cap amortization of his remaining guarantees.

When Buffalo chose Dareus third overall in 2011, the next three athletes selected were A.J. Green, Patrick Peterson, and Julio Jones, all 10 times the player Dareus ever will be. Then in the 2014 NFL draft, the Bills employed the fourth overall selection on Sammy Watkins; the next three guys chosen were Khalil Mack, Jake Mathews, and Mike Evans, all far better. Draft day blunders like these help explain why Buffalo has the league’s longest postseason drought.

Netting a series of transactions involving Dareus, Watkins, Cyrus Kouandjio, and Reggie Ragland, the Bills recently have expended three number-one draft picks, a number-two, and two number-four picks to obtain E.J. Gaines and Jacksonville’s sixth-round choice. Drafting can’t be any worse. Then again there’s the Cleveland Browns …

How Can the Browns Be So Bad? (New Running Item.) A couple of years ago Sashi Brown, the Harvard-trained lawyer who runs the Cleveland Browns’ football side, said on ESPN’s third-day draft coverage when few were watching, “Sports analytics are really overblown.” I saved this quote for a planned column on how sports analytics are overblown. But the Browns’ struggles suggest the subject is underblown.

Cleveland traded the rights to Julio Jones to Atlanta, where he appears perennially in the postseason and the Pro Bowl. In return, Cleveland received . . . we’ll have to get back to you on that. Before the 2016 season, Cleveland let Alex Mack and Mohamed Sanu go to Atlanta, while letting Mitch Schwartz go to Kansas City; all three dressed for the playoffs whilst Cleveland went 1-15. In the 2016 draft, Cleveland passed on Carson Wentz; in the 2017 draft, Cleveland passed on Deshaun Watson. Rather than obtaining either of these highly promising franchise quarterbacks, Cleveland preferred . . . we’ll have to get back to you on that.

TMQ is skeptical of the gent Cleveland took number-one overall in 2017, defensive end Myles Garrett. Some scouts really liked Garrett. But he played at Texas A&M, which in his final season gave up 30-plus points on five occasions. How can a defender from a weak defense be the best prospect in football?

Maybe sports analytics would help the Browns. Taekwondo did not. Maybe some Irish step dancing.

Michael Flatley with James Keegan and the cast onstage during the curtain call for the Broadway Opening and debut of ‘Lord of the Dance: Dangerous Games’ at The Lyric Theatre on November 10, 2015, in New York City. (Photo by Walter McBride/Getty Images)

Unless You Are Dante Hall, Never Do This. There was one and only one player in NFL annals who could profit from running backward, Dante Hall, when in his prime with the Chiefs. No one else should run backward, ever. Fielding a punt on the Chargers’ 8, Travis Benjamin of LA/B began to run backward. “Never run backward!” thousands of football coaches, from middle school to retired pro, must have shouted at the screen. When the dust settled, Benjamin had run backward into his end zone, where he was tackled for a safety.

It Is Impossible to Know What Someone Else Can Taste; the Whole Wine-Pretentions Industry Hinges on That Fact. TMQ bétes noires include wine snobs who claim to be able to detect minute differences in vintages—TMQ suspects nine out of 10 wine snobs could not tell a Bordeaux from a burgundy in a blind tasting—and wine reviewers who say one bottle is a 92 but another merely a 91, as if such numerical distinctions had meaning. Coupled to this, TMQ derides wine reviewers who claim vintages have “lingering aromas of granite” or “notes of buttered toast” or similar nonsense. (Hmmm, this pinot noir recalls the molecular structure of molybdenum . . .)

Yes, I know that wine-savoring references (“hints of chocolate shavings and ripened fruit”) can refer to tasting conventions, and are not necessarily meant to be received literally. Still the entire exercise can veer into the ridiculous. A while back, reader Steve Keeley of Naperville, Illinois, reported that the Wine Advocate described a red as having “aromas of lead pencil shavings.” Wouldn’t you pay $40 a bottle to drink lead pencil shavings?

If you’ve seen an amusing wine description or wine-tasting folly, tweet it to me, with specifics, @EasterbrookG.

“So I think you’ll notice here that this red has notes of cherry, dark chocolate, pepper, Christmas nostalgia, saudade, and cloves.”

Maybe CGI Was Invented on Ancient Themiscyra. With Diana Prince soon to return to the big screen, consider the difference between her theme music in 1975 and today. This transition from twinkly, silly sound to over-the-top operatic must hold some lesson about society. If only I knew what it was. The Amazon superwomen of the 2017 flick Wonder Woman battle German soldiers by leaping into the air, turning a somersault, then coming back down. Computer-generated special effects have divorced filmmaking from natural-law constraints such as gravity. Even so, spinning in midair seems like a really inefficient way to fight.

Last week TMQ proposed that Hollywood dispense with the tedious setup of franchises and simply start with the sequel as the first film in a series. Reader Scott Kahn of Jewish Coffee House notes, “Nicholas Hytner’s The Madness of George III was renamed The Madness of King George, because U.S. audiences would assume it was a sequel.”

Gal Gadot, returning soon to a big screen near you as the whirling Wonder Woman. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk. In the second half at Ohio State, Penn State twice punted in Buckeyes territory. Sure both were 4th-and-long, but what does punting accomplish beyond handing the momentum to Ohio State? Outraged, the football gods caused one punt to be blocked and the other to net only a minor improvement in field position.

Facing the winless Browns in London, hyperconservative Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer ordered a punt on 4th-and-4 at the Cleveland 39. Later, befuddled Cleveland head coach Hue Jackson sent out the kicker on 4th-and-goal at the Minnesota 5. It doesn’t matter what the score was at that juncture—when you’re riding a 1-25 stretch, unless a field goal wins the game, you don’t send out the kicker on 4th-and-goal. Brits were witnessing what TMQ calls football-like substance.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk Squared. Trailing by two touchdowns midway through the fourth quarter, Cleveland punted, and is now riding a 1-26 stretch. Just before the two minute warning—when it made no difference whether the Browns kicked, ran, passed, or started square dancing—then Jackson went for it. This is the second term of the buck-buck-brawckkkkkkk equation: Don’t go for it when the coach might be criticized, do go for it when there’s no choice and thus no second-guessing.

The Football Gods Commanded a Rimshot. The Chargers placed guard Matt Slauson on injured reserve, ending his season. That’s right—it was the Slauson Cutoff. Note to future historians: Johnny Carson’s 1970s-vintage Art Fern routines, which seem hopelessly cheesy today, were at the time viewed as hysterical. Comedy has taken a long road to Master of None.

Actors Aziz Ansari and Alessandra Mastronardi on the set of the Netflix series ‘Master of None’ on December 8, 2016, in New York City. (Photo by Bobby Bank/GC Images)

Wasteful Spending on Bodyguards Watch. TMQ has been complaining that the large security detail around EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt is not to protect him from enraged wetlands ecologists, rather, to make him seem like a little pasha—allowing him to speed through stoplights in a motorcade, to cut to the heads of lines and receive the “make way, make way” treatment from mere citizens. Many readers including Amelia Zell of Springfield, Oregon, noted Pruitt is demanding even more bodyguards to satisfy his self-importance. Seeking office, Donald Trump promised to make the governing class accountable. Now that Trump is in office, it’s “spare no expense” to the taxpayer to treat Trump’s retainers as royalty.

Cheerleader Professionalism. As cold-weather sets in, cheerleader professionalism becomes a factor in appeasing the football gods—the less wintry gear the cheerleaders wear, the better the chance of victory. But what to make of the Baltimore Ravens, the NFL’s sole club with college-style male cheer-hunks? Kickoff temperature 56 degrees for Dolphins at Ravens, the Baltimore cheer women braved the snappy air in tank tops with bare midriffs—while the cheer men were fully clothed. Considering women have become important customers for professional sports, every franchise that fields cheer-babes also should field cheer-hunks. And TMQ proposes: Whenever the women are scantily attired, the men should take their shirts off.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk (Placekicking Edition). Trailing 20-12 in the final quarter versus Pittsburgh, the Lions faced 4th-and-goal on the Steelers 1. Head coach Jim Caldwell, who as this column notes is fond of “safe” tactics, sent in the placekicker. The logic of this buck-buck-brawckkkkkkk choice is that after the field goal, a touchdown gives us the lead. But a touchdown requires crossing the white line while a field goal can be launched from long distance. Detroit was at the opponent’s 1, just a yard away from paydirt, and opted to launch a kick because that’s the safe thing to do.

Needless to say the result of the “safe” tactic was defeat. At the endgame when Detroit had no choice but to go for it on the Pittsburgh 8, that forsaken chance from the Pittsburgh 1 must have seemed mighty appealing.

Hell’s Sports Bar. Hell’s Sports Bar opened a branch in our nation’s capital, which got to see both the winless Cleveland Browns and the winless Santa Clara 49ers, but did not see the headliner contest of the weekend, Texans at Seahawks. Much of the nation was not shown Texans at Seahawks. But absolutely everyone in America beheld the Cleveland Browns, in their entirety.

Adventures in Officiating. Should the Kiko Alonso hit on Joe Flacco have been a penalty? Flacco did not “give himself up” in any way that was obvious to defenders, not starting to slide until a split-second before he was hit. Quarterbacks can’t have it both ways: You’re not allowed to hit me, but I don’t have to slide till contact starts. Alonso knocked Flacco’s helmet off, but from the film it appears Flacco’s chinstraps were not properly snapped pre-snap. The penalty was justified by Alonso giving the forearm shiver to Flacco’s helmet, not by the hit itself. At least one Baltimore player was flagged for retaliation against Alonso, but officials forgot to enforce the retaliation flags. A short time after the controversial hit, Baltimore’s Lardarius Webb signaled fair catch, then took off on a punt return. Zebras placed the ball at the spot of his signal, but did not penalize Baltimore. All in all a poor performance by referee John Parry and his crew. One of the reasons NFL popularity is wavering is that officials err aimlessly, and there’s no accountability.

Texans at Hawks, Deshaun Watson scrambled, then, as defenders approached, clearly went into a slide. All Blue Men Group defenders pulled up and made no contact; they did what defenders are supposed to do when Watson did what quarterbacks are supposed to do, a clear, distinct slide. In the fourth quarter Russell Wilson stiff-armed the Texans’ Marcus Williams by hitting Williams’s helmet. Three years ago the league declared a “point of emphasis” making offensive stiff-arms to the helmet a foul. Zebras did not do what they are supposed to do: No flag flew.

In the third quarter of the fabulous Ohio State comeback over Penn State, a receiver and defender caught a pass simultaneously in the Buckeyes end zone. Officials on the field ruled an interception for Ohio State; the play should have been called a touchdown, since simultaneous possession goes to the offense. Fox brought in Dean Blandino, till recently the NFL’s head of officiating, now a commentator for the network. Blandino hemmed and hawed—pretty clearly he had no idea what the correct call was, and wanted to seem to predict any outcome. When Blandino was running NFL officiating, the number-one problem was inconsistency on catch-no-catch. Blandino still can’t make his mind up on this fundamental officiating issue, so it’s good that he is no longer in the NFL. Still, the fact that the league’s former top zebra acts undecided on the rules is hardly reassuring on officiating quality. (The college officials correctly reversed to touchdown, which was, what’s the word I am looking for, obvious the whole time.)

Best 98 Yard Drive. The Steelers drove 98 yards in just four snaps, the cherry on the sundae being a 97-yard pass to rookie JuJu Smith-Schuster who, presumably, the league’s safeties no longer will ignore, as did the Detroit safeties he outran. A productive player in college, Smith-Schuster dropped below other wide receivers in the draft because scouts thought he lacked speed: a reminder of how often, despite zillions of dollars spent on football analysis, scouts are wrong about players.

The 500 Club. Hosting Cornell College, not Cornell University, Knox College gained 546 yards, scored 51 points, and lost. Visiting Wake Forest, Louisville gained 523 yards, and lost. It was the second time in three weeks the Cardinals gained at least 500 yards and lost: Louisville, whose Lamar Jackson won the Heisman Trophy last December, is on a 5-7 stretch. The Texans became the first professional football team this season to join The 500 Club: at Seattle they gained 509 yards, and lost. The Lions barely missed joining, gaining 482 yards at home, and losing.

The 600 Club. Reader Eric Johnson of Beverly Hills, Michigan, notes that in Great Lakes State prep action, Fulton High scored 62 points versus Climax-Scotts, and lost by three touchdowns.

The Football Gods Put Down Their Pilsners, Carpaccio, and Crudités to Pay Close Attention. Greenville University recorded a last-second touchdown to defeat Iowa Wesleyan. Why is this remarkable? Because Greenville gained 811 yards on offense. Greenville outgained Iowa Wesleyan by 416 yards and made 27 more first downs, yet desperately needed the last-second score. Why? Eight fumbles will do that to you.

The Football Gods Reached for Their Pocket Calculators. In its last two meetings with Oklahoma, Texas Tech has allowed 115 points and 1,471 yards of offense.

Obscure College Score. Franklin 66, Mount Saint Joseph 39. The Lions joined the 500 Club by gaining 501 yards and losing by four touchdowns. In the two weeks prior to this 66-39 loss, Mount Saint Joseph had outscored Earlham and Anderson by a combined 137-34. Located in Cincinnati, Mount Saint Joseph University hosts a Center for Ethical Leadership. Perhaps given the current political situation, a Center for Unethical Leadership would have more marketing potential.

Single Worst Play of the Season—So Far. The second half of the regular season cranks up and so this item reemerges.

When Oakland scored to pull within 27-13 of Buffalo in the fourth quarter, the Bills were called for a major penalty on the PAT. Oakland coach Jack of the River could have had the penalty enforced on the try, advancing the spot to the 1 and going for a deuce that would have made the count 27-15. It’s the fourth quarter, you trail by two touchdowns, and every point is vital!

Instead Del Rio opted to enforce the penalty on the kickoff, advancing the kicking spot to the 50. As noted by reader David Zolnowski of Depew, New York, surely this meant the Raiders would onside! An onside from the 50 is essentially risk-free, plus a chance to swing the momentum of the game! Instead the Raiders kicked away, the ball sailing into the end zone for a touchback that put Buffalo on its 25 yard line.

Oakland, trailing big in the fourth quarter, made no attempt to exploit a golden opportunity. Can this really be the same coach who went for two to win as the clock approached double-naughts in the 2016 Oakland opener? Jack Del Rio, you are guilty of the single worst play of the season—so far.

Next Week. People have been asking if the Cleveland Browns could defeat the Alabama Crimson Tide; could the Browns defeat Greenville University?