We are taught about the importance of boundaries from a very young age.
Kindergartners learn, “Stay inside your space.”
During adolescence, parents wonder about the boundaries: “It’s hard to say, ‘no,’ to my daughter; I want her to know that I am her friend.” “How do I know how much freedom is too much for my son?”
Couples, too, struggle with boundaries: “Why is he always at work, rather than with me?” “Why do we have to spend so much time with her family?”
Boundaries are a part of our lives. They are an important part of our nation’s life as well.
Questions about boundaries have erupted in the passage of the Arizona immigration law. Many Arizona residents believe the federal government has not protected the boundary between their state and Mexico, a situation that has led to much crime by illegal immigrants, as well as out-of-control costs to the state.
The people of Arizona have said to the federal government, “If you are not going to protect us, we will do it ourselves.” And, apparently, approximately 65% of Americans agree with them.
The opposition to the Arizona law appears to be largely on the basis of a perceived sense of morality. Admittedly, it is somewhat difficult to tell what opponents are against, since many of them do not seem to have read the Arizona and federal laws.
It appears that those in opposition believe it is wrong to prevent illegal immigrants from coming across the border, that the country’s borders should be open to allow people access to freedom and work, and that those who want illegal immigrants to either leave or file for legal status are racist.
Borders are boundaries, and both are lines that need to be drawn.
Kindergartners, you do need to learn to stay in your space. If someone invites you into their space, play by the rules.
Parents, you cannot be your teen’s friend; you need to make a conscious decision to be in charge and make the rules. Your kids need you to do that.
Couples, the sense of satisfaction you derive from your relationship depends, in part, upon the boundaries you place around it.
Boundaries are essential for those on both sides of them. Parents are better parents when they draw lines and stick to them, and kids ultimately feel more protected and focused because they understand the expectations.
Both partners in a relationship will have more confidence and trust, in that relationship, when both value it enough to place boundaries around it and make it a priority.
Citizens of a nation have more faith in their government when that government fulfills one of its primary functions – to protect its citizens. And those who choose to work in this country legally, or undergo the legal naturalization process, need to know that the paths on which they trod are protected and valued.
What is disturbing about the message put out by those who have voiced opposition to the Arizona law is that there is the strong suggestion that the federal law be undermined, that law enforcers should simply look the other way, whether that “way” is away from illegal immigrants or away from employers hiring them.
A family is damaged when parents don’t stick to their own ground rules, and undermine each other to obtain the favor of their children.
America has always been a welcoming nation. Our boundaries, like parental boundaries, must be firm enough to provide a sound structure and foundation, yet flexible enough to invite the opportunity for guided growth and eventual independence.
Susan T. Berry, Ph.D., is a practicing psychologist in Glastonbury, CT.
