W hile the Baltimore City Council ponders banning smoking, The Examiner would like to suggest some other activities local governments should consider eliminating for the health and well-being of citizens.
Honestly, why should governments stop at smoking? New York City just banned trans fatty acids, to help ensure fewer clogged arteries for its 8 million plus citizens. Why should the Big Apple get all the glory? Here are a few suggestions to put local governments on the vanguard of saving citizens from themselves:
Ban Orioles fandom because it leads to depression.
Ban teen parties in Carroll County because they lead to herpes or worse.
Ban eating in Baltimore restaurants because the food is so fantastic innocent citizens will be lured into gluttony, one of the seven deadly sins.
Ban granting new liquor licenses to bars in Baltimore City because residents already have too many choices of where to drink. (Oops! That law already exists.)
Ban breathing in Baltimore (Asthma City) because air pollution is hazardous.
Ban Baltimore City traffic cops. Their City Hummers take parking spaces and contribute to air pollution. By pulling over confused motorists at the three-way intersection at Calvert, Light and Pratt Streets, they snarl Inner Harbor traffic.
Ban saying “Hon” because it represents an outdated image of Charm City, a biotechnology hub.
Ban all people with a Body Mass Index of 30 or higher (obese) from entering local fast-food restaurants. We the people don?t need to pay for their diabetes treatment.
Ban Utz potato chips. Like Lay?s brand, “betcha you can?t eat just one.” (See fast-food reference above.)
Ban unlicensed street performers in Baltimore City. Tourists and residents can?t decide which panflutists are good enough. (Oops! That law already exists.)
Ban Natty Boh. Inexpensive brew means residents can afford to drink too much.
Ban HBO?s “The Wire.” It underplays improvements made to the Baltimore City Public School System.
Ban rap music. It leads to characterizations of Baltimore as an “HIV pit” by local college students.
Ban the Preakness. It leads to public drunkenness and uncouth behavior in the infield.
Life is dangerous. And, obviously, most of us are too blind and stupid to recognize the warning labels on cigarette packs or read the fat and calorie content on potato chip bags or “Just say no” when confronted with temptation. Please government, help us.
