In an amusing turn of events, NSA leaker Edward Snowden is upset with his Russian handlers. In recent interviews, Snowden has requested asylum from France and even said he’ll return to the U.S. if he can turn his trial into a publicity stunt.

Both points are obviously idiotic. France is a close American ally and will not jeopardize that relationship simply because a self-absorbed Snowden wants to drink Pomerol wine instead of Putinka vodka. Snowden’s demands for any U.S. trial are similarly absurd. “I would like to return to the United States. … But if I’m gonna spend the rest of my life in prison,” Snowden told CBS from a drab Moscow room, “The one bottom line demand that we have to agree to is that at least I get a fair trial.”