“Thus every part was full of vice,
Yet the whole mass a paradise.” Bernard Mandeville (1705)
Opponents of the referendum to legalize slots in Maryland should fold their collective hands. Supporters of the referendum, from the governor and education officials to casino and horse track owners, are too formidable.
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Instead of further resistance, opponents of slots might better engage in oneupsmanship. Not only join the bandwagon, but also ask: Why stop here? The pleasure in greed, a driving force to gambling, has long been one of the deadliest vices in social and religious traditions. If it can be twisted into a public virtue because it ostensibly will help education, lower tax rates and promote local historical traditions, then perhaps we should consider how other vices can profit Marylanders.
We could start with the lust-ridden Block. While moralists condemn its celebration of carnal pleasures or promotion of sexist indulgences, Baltimore’s historians invariably highlight the Block’s legendary reputation and its most famous figure, Blaze Starr.
To pre-empt neighboring states who might tempt our lust-driven citizens, Maryland could establish more Blocks.
For convenience, they could be adjacent to all the fake Avenues that now dot the shopping mall landscape.
Customers ogling a dancer’s writhing body will be gratefully reminded that a portion of their $7 for a can of beer will be earmarked for the public good. The next step might be legalizing prostitution, where clients could be charged additional user fees to subsidize textbooks on sex education.
Anger is another vice with profit potential. The state penitentiary in downtown Baltimore has historical significance. Yet, like all prisons, it can be a drain for taxpayers who mostly resent any humanitarian gesture for convicts. A shrewd government could exploit the anger-management crises afflicting its citizens by resurrecting the spectacle of public punishment.
M & T Bank Stadium, with more than 70,000 seats, is used only about 10 times per year for Ravens games. Whereas football is seasonal, anger is year-round. Bimonthly public punishments should be easy moneymakers for the state. To soothe spectators’ conscience, large video screens in the stadium could show how portions of the proceeds are devoted to various juvenile delinquency programs. Once legalized, the only difficulty lies in sorting out prices for beheadings, tortures or impalements.
Once these precedents have been set, Maryland’s government could turn its attention to other vices. Perhaps it could find profit by connecting gluttony to taverns and restaurants, or sloth to television and movie theaters. Indeed, once some enterprising and imaginative legislators find a way to milk our thirstiest and most pernicious vices — pride and envy — Maryland could be a tax-free state.
So for the next election, foes of the slots ought to stop all this pettifoggery about the referendum’s language. The lottery did not save public schools, and neither will casinos. Only by profiting from all the vices can Maryland finally become a citizen’s paradise.
Alexander E. Hooke is a professor of philosophy/interdisciplinary studies at Stevenson University.
