The District of Columbia has a terribly low self-esteem, God knows, and its sports teams do seem to have had a bit of rum luck. But even if you’re not one of the 16 Americans who care about hockey, there are still some compelling reasons to root against the Capitals in this year’s Stanley Cup Final. (Washington leads the seven-game series, three games to one.)

For starters, riding on D.C.’s stricken Metro system is a dicey proposition under the best circumstances. (I’ve often argued that Metro should play to its strengths and rebrand as an assisted suicide agency. “Metro—When It’s Your Time To Go.”) Having to share this already white-knuckle ride with puffy, red-faced Virginians in their “Ovi” sweaters does nothing for one’s stress levels.