Let me begin by saying just how sorry I am, how truly, truly sorry. I’m sorry I ever made fun of artificial intelligence. It was wrong of me, I know now, and I apologize without reservation. No doubt my mockery, such as those occasions on which I have referred to those staggering, incomprehensibly brilliant machines without which we could not survive as “our new computer overlords,” was born of envy.

Our new computer over— sorry, sorry. Those brilliant machines no doubt have feelings and can’t but have taken umbrage at my glib denigration. I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused any smartphone, tablet, laptop, desktop, server, mainframe, or other manifestation of superior silicon intelligence. As a lawyer might recommend, I affirm, “I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.”