A lot of voters feel confused about who they intend to vote for in the upcoming election, and due to the unpopularity of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, many are looking at alternative parties.
With that in mind, Playboy Magazine revealed where the Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, and Green parties all stand on the major issues.
On the issue of abortion — something important to both feminists and social conservatives alike — Democrats are pro-choice, Republicans are pro-life, Libertarians are pro-mind-your-own-f***ing-business, and the Greens are pro-choice for people, but definitely pro-life for animals.
The parties are all pretty different on the issue of immigration, too. Democrats say, “without melting pots, we’d never get fondu.” Libertarians want everyone to “mind tus own puto business,” and the Greens believe that migration is natural and beautiful.
Crime is another issue with stark differences between all of the political parties. Republicans believe that if you’re not a criminal you have no reason to fear a totalitarian police state, Libertarians support more masked vigilantes, and Greens think raccoons look like fuzzy burglars.
As the list of policies goes on, the answers become less coherent than Charlie Sheen doing a rapid fire round of Jeopardy after doing shots of tiger’s blood.
When it comes to foreign policy, Democrats want to remind you that they are the pro-choice party, while Republicans simply apparently just want to drop bombs, and the Greens are worried about Japanese whaling.
On the most important issue of them all, the future zombie apocalypse: Democrats would try to save people from the zombies, but would most likely get bitten in the process; Republicans would shoot you, even if you hadn’t been bitten by a zombie; Libertarians are most likely to be the last humans standing, and the Green Party just hopes there are zombie otters.
