If anyone should be celebrating “Festivus” — the fictional Seinfeld holiday where people are suppose to “air their grievances” — it’s Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.).
Sanders is by far everyone’s favorite curmudgeon politician, who always finds something to be angry about. Since he is not celebrating, here’s a list of things the socialist senator should be bitching about on this holy day (quotes are satire).
“Fantasy football”
Sanders once voted to outlaw fantasy sports, and let’s face it, there’s no way this guy is checking his draft’s stats on a Sunday.
“You can’t root for players on both teams… imagine rooting for America in WWII but hoping a couple of German soldiers had a lot of kills!”
“The television”
Sanders famously hates the media, as the liberal publication Mother Jones put it “just as much as Republicans do.” He feels that they spend too much time spinning the truth instead of informing the public.
“Wolf Blitzer, you think you’re so smart, you’re not smart. You’re garbage, You’re garbage and you’re peddling garbage!”
“Deodorant”
The senator famously complained how there are starving children in the world, but meanwhile in America, we have “23 different deodorant” choices. Even though one thing has nothing to do with the other.
“You can smell like sea breeze. What kind of man wants to smell like the ocean!? And why are they even selling this in the midwest? There’s no ocean in the midwest. No one knows if the corporations are lying to them which they are because corporations lie!”
“Millionaires and Billionaires”
What does a socialist have to complain more about than rich people? Sanders famously hates the rich and wants to spend their tax dollars on people who have really worked hard and deserve it — like illegal immigrants.
“What you think you’re better than me? You with your fantasy dentures and me with my wooden teeth I carved out of dead bark in my backyard!”
“Cloud”
Because every old man loves to yell at clouds.
