Welcome to this week’s edition of the “Timeout Quiz,” a quick exam to see how closely you have been following sports. Remember there are no stupid questions — just stupid answers.
1. Long-time University of Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer will not return to his alma mater next season. Besides stepping down from his “dream job,” the main reason for his tearful goodbye was:
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A) He will miss the late night checkers games he had against the custodial staff in the end zones of Neyland Stadium.
B) He will no longer get employee pricing on coonskin hats.
C) He is no longer welcomed to judge the Miss Smokey Mountain Line Dancing Tournament sponsored by Fixodent.
D) No more showing off his musket to co-eds.
2. Paramedics found PGA Tour champion and lady’s man John Daly outside of a Hooters restaurant in Winston-Salem, N.C., drunk and unconscious inside of a party bus. When the police got to the scene, which of these did “Long” John use as his official statement to describe his behavior?
A) “I wasn’t sleeping. I was suffering from a case of acute nipple blindness.”
B) “I was just pacing myself. There were still several waitresses I had yet to propose to.”
C) “I wanted some alone time to work on the grip on my Big Bertha.”
D) “My buddies and me like to play a little game called ‘hide and go sleep.’ I guess you ain’t never heard of it.”
3. After Terrell Suggs picked off a Derek Anderson pass and returned it for a touchdown in a 37-27 win on Sunday, chants for backup quarterback Brady Quinn cascaded down from all corners of stadium. Quinn will start tonight. But what other suggestions do Browns fans hope management will enact to enhance their game day experience?
A) Setting Lake Erie on fire when the Browns score a touchdown.
B) Naming Drew Carey head coach and Mimi offensive line coach.
C) Giving a lucky fan the opportunity to paint Braylon Edwards’ hands with tar.
D) Leaving Cleveland for good.
4. Someone inside the 49ers organization leaked Mike Singletary’s halftime act when he dropped his pants as a way to motivate his terrible team. Singletary plans on using this as his latest form of motivation:
A) Players swim to Alcatraz in team-issued ‘Chum Speedo’ immediately following a game.
B) Cordless bungee jumping off the Transamerica Pyramid.
C) Moving training camp to Abu Ghraib.
D) Threatening players that any insubordination will result in a trade to Oakland.
5. Since Tony Romo has been out with a broken pinkie, Brad Johnson and the Cowboys offense have been as potent as a Hugh Hefner sans Viagra. Football experts agree the major problem with Johnson is:
A) He has been sacked more times than Jessica Simpson.
B) Kellen Winslow can sustain a wheelie longer than Johnson can sustain a drive.
C) He took to many blows to the head serving as Red Grange’s fullback.
D) The NFL has banned the use of his Rascal scooter, essentially rendering him immobile in the pocket.
6. Instead of using their time to actually get better, the Oakland Raiders wasted valuable time last week practicing touchdown celebrations. Head coach Tom Cable now admits that the team would have been better served:
A) Bobbing for martini olives in Kenny Stabler’s beard.
B) Convincing John Madden air travel is safe.
C) Exfoliating Al Davis’ face
D) Trying to “Just win one, baby.”
7. In an effort to get anyone to care about them, the Orioles will soon unveil their new uniform. What is the big design surprise the team has in store for its fans:
A) In parenthesis under the word “Baltimore” the words, “proudly serving Red Sox and Yankees fans since 1992” will be visible.
B) To retain the ornithologically correct bird look, actual turkey feathers will be glued to the team socks.
C) All jerseys issued to the pitching staff will come with neck braces to prevent whiplash when they watch their pitches get hit out of the stadium.
D) They’ll use a meat helmet sponsored by Boog’s Barbecue.