The devastation that one sees in New Orleans these days is troubling. Huge areas are completely vacant where vibrant neighborhoods once stood. Homes are condemned and families have lost their worldly possessions. It is indeed a crisis that we as Americans have never faced.
But there?s another crisis at hand, one that no one speaks of. Maybe the realization of another great American city on the verge of disappearing is too much for our fragile minds. After what we?ve seen on Sept. 11 and New Orleans, there may not be enough in us to grasp another catastrophic event. But it?s there, folks. I?m talking about the end of Pittsburgh, Pa.
Land of the blue collar. The hard-working miners and tough people of that area of Pennsylvania. All gone. All gone. I?m sorry, you cannot tell me that Pittsburgh is alive and well, when I know it?s not. I have proof. That?s because all of Pittsburgh has moved on ? to Baltimore.
Think about it. Just about every fifth person I meet in this area is a former resident of Pittsburgh, and they live here. I even Googled “Pittsburgh” just tosee if it?s true, and it said “see Baltimore, Maryland.” I put in “Pittsburgh Steelers” and it said “M & T Bank Stadium.” I put in “Pittsburgh Pirates,” and a virus appeared.
It?s crazy. It makes no sense. Why has the entire city of Pittsburgh moved to Baltimore? Is this their idea of paradise, moving from Forbes Avenue to Towson? And what of these Maryland vehicle tags with Steelers logos on them? Is this a “Twilight Zone” episode that I happened to miss?
Pittsburgh people, let?s get down to business here. I know most of you are decent, nice people and good workers. But look, I hate to break this to you, since so many of you have flown the coop for this tropical zone, but ? nobody wants to hear you drone on in your obnoxious way about the Steelers. We despise the Steelers here and you probably want to know why. It?s simple. YOU?RE LIVING IN BALTIMORE! It?s a city in MARYLAND, see?
And a tip to Steelers fans who live here and are Ravens season ticket holders: You can?t fool us by wearing Ravens colors all year and then black and yellow when the Steelers show up. Some of us are color blind, yes, but not many. And don?t say you?re fans of both teams. That is medically impossible! It doesn?t work ? unless you?ve had a lobotomy.
I have to give it to you straight. We hate your team, and we hate these Steelers bars that seem to have cropped up like the Purple Goose on Washington Boulevard. You?re calling a Steelers bar PURPLE? That alone tells me you?re not all there.
Steelers fans who have lived in Baltimore, don?t tell me when the Colts left that you had to find another team to like. I don?t buy it. I didn?t follow ANY team, because I just couldn?t. I didn?t feel it. But when you get a new team finally that?s yours, how can you not be fans of that team if you live here? That?s nuts.
Can you imagine Ravens bars in Pittsburgh? “Yes, I just moved here from Baltimore and I?d like to buy your bar so I can make it purple for our team back home.” And welcome to your funeral.
The reason we allow that stupidity to exist here is the same reason we allow any enemy team?s fans to run over our stadiums. It?s because we?re wimpy sports fans. But that?s for another day.
Pittsburgh people, we really wouldn?t mind you at all if you would just respect us at our own stadium and just behave. Don?t get in our faces with that goofy yellow towel (another thing we can?t stand). If you?d just act cool and not like those stupid Yankee morons, we could deal with you a lot better.
Yeah, we know you won the Super Bowl, and we know you?re going to get insane with that. But, please, for your own sakes, mellow out with it. You?re still in Baltimore. Unfortunately, there are still angry Ravens fans who might try to destroy you, so I?m trying to help you out.
Maybe once in a while, you should visit your own hometown to see if any family members are still around. I mean, Pittsburgh was a pretty decent size city, and it must be very strange to arrive there in the middle of an afternoon and not see a single soul.
Pittsburgh people, I?m sure if we all got together somewhere to party, we?d have a great time and make new friends and really get to know each other. But just leave the black and yellow at home and wear real clothes this time, okay?
Steve Liebowitz is a writer living in Owings Mills. He can be reached at [email protected].
